Before You Breakup - Anthony's Library and Resources

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Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Before You Breakup

Relationships can end up either good or bad. When there are many complications between you and your partner during the relationship, there may be no point in continuing together. You may end up with troubles which are more serious, or the breakup may get uglier.

How to know it’s time to breakup
These are some warning signs showing that it is time to breakup.

Have no desires to see each other.
You and your partner text or call each other most of time, even at work, but now it seems annoying sometimes when your partner calls you. Hence, you don’t respond to the calls. You may even try to avoid each other, avoid meeting each other even when both of you are in the same house. You would also prefer to hang out with your own friends and spend time alone.

Lost trust completely in each other or start betraying each other.
When suspicion becomes harder on each other, there is no trust between each other. Having little or no trust towards each other can lead to many misunderstandings and conflicts, including cheating on your partner with someone else.

Feel less happy than before.
Relationship gives you contentment. Love gives you joy. However, if this relationship infuriates you or causes you stress, then it may be time to call it quits. Consider whether this is the right relationship for you and if your partner is the right one for you. If you feel less happy and constantly have negative feelings, it is best to walk away now.

Domestic violence creeps in.
Sexually, physically, emotionally there is presence of abuse, and these never make a successful relationship. If you find your partner abusive or violates your personal rights, it is advisable to break up and set free from the bondage. Seek help from others or organizations if it is hard to get away from the abusive relationship.

Making your final decision
To be the one to request for a breakup can be stressful, especially when your partner is someone you loved so much before. Whatever the reason for the break up with your partner, you must make sure this is the final decision and that there is no turning back.

Steps in Making Your Final Decision
Think about why you want a breakup. Think and consider all the reasons that are making you leave your partner. Was it just because of temporary negative emotions?  Was it because of conflicts involving legal issues?  Do not make hasty decisions, and be reasonable on why you want a breakup.

Make a list of all reasons to breakup and possible solutions. List down all reasons you had considered for a breakup and possible solutions to solve problems, if you think there is still a chance to save the relationship. This will help you to have a clearer view for your decision-making.

Go through the list and reflect. Analyze deeper through the list you have made and reflect honestly, whether you had been fair in its content.  Did you try your best to curb problems?

Making sure the reasons for breaking up cannot be ignored anymore?  Be sure you did not make the wrong choice of breaking up with your partner.

Be prepared for questioning. Decide properly what to say when you breakup with your partner.  Also, do consider preparing for the questions your partner may raise during the breakup. Make sure you are emotionally stable before and when you say goodbye.

Be clear that it is over. Review again to make sure this relationship will end forever. Do not bring in emotions or give hints that both of you may come back together.  You must understand that it is better for your partner to get the message quickly and clearly.

Choosing a meeting
Choosing a right meeting place for a breakup is important because you can prevent making the breakup turn ugly. Besides, if the breakup is carried out amicably, you can be free from the relationship, leaving your ex totally. Remember, it is also important to breakup in person and face to face.

The Place
Choose a neutral place.  Do not ask for a breakup in your house, or in your partner’s house. This is firstly unfair to either person, and secondly, you will still see pictures or things both of you shared which will make it hard for you to stick with your decision.

It is best to choose a location where family or friends are around. If your partner cannot control his/her emotions and start showing aggressiveness, or both of you start to engage in heated arguments, people around may help to calm the situation.

Avoid high-risk location as it has the potential for suicide. Avoid breaking up with your partner at tall buildings, railway stations or even in the kitchen where knives are convenient to get to.

One example of an ideal location would be the park, where it is comfortable for both of you to express feelings, and you can also walk while you discuss the matter.

Do not breakup in restaurants. There are many observers and witnesses in a restaurant. It will be embarrassing and disrespectful for him/her if your partner gets very emotional and drama takes place.

Do not breakup in classrooms, especially for schooling teenagers or college students. You or your partner may endure humiliation from the classmates. As internet is accessible for all, some classmates may make fun and post videos or pictures of it online, making the whole incident seems uglier. This will cause pressure and stress for both of you.

Choosing the right time
Choosing the right time to raise an issue on a breakup with your partner is an ideal move to let the relationship end smoothly.  Choosing the right time meaning does not include breaking up on Valentine’s Day, his/her birthday, holiday seasons, etc. Occasions such as when your partner is having an upcoming exam, interviews, at work, etc. are also not the right time to initiate a break up.

Choose the Right Time
It will be hard for your partner to recover. If you put yourself in your partner’s shoes, consider how you would feel when you experience the same heartbreak every year just because your partner breaks up with you on your birthday or Valentine’s Day. It will bring back the bad memories. All that is left is emptiness and loneliness. If your partner loves you more, he/she will feel a sense of belonging and connection to you. If you choose to leave him/her on holiday seasons like Christmas, you left him/her feeling alone every holiday, especially because after breaking up you will no longer be with him/her anymore.

It affects your partner’s emotions during his/her life-changing moments. These big moments could be your partner’s interview, work promotions, upcoming exam, a death or sickness in his/her family, etc. Do not be mean; bear with your partner for a longer period until these moments are over. Care for him/her at least for this duration one last time.

You may get a negative response from your request about the break up. Either you choose to breakup before or during these occasions or you wait for a suitable time to do so, and even then your partner may object to your request, or act aggressively, yell, cry loudly or more. This may contribute to you feeling guilty and choosing not to leave.

Keep it short & simple – never argue/prolong discussion
Since you had made a decision to breakup with your partner, mean it. Be sure that your relationship will end forever. You must keep it short and simple when you want to breakup with your partner to avoid causing greater pain or giving hints that both of you will come back together.

Keep It Short
Be prepared. Prepare earlier, what to say when you ask for a breakup. Prepare yourself emotionally. Your partner may question you, as to why you want a breakup, so be prepared with answers, before you raise the issue. This will help you to make a smoother breakup.

Be confident when you speak out. Try not to stammer or seem submissive to your partner. Showing confidence with the way you speak and your body languages will give hints to your partner that you insist with the decision and you want him/her to get your message.

Do not explain too much and engage in a prolong discussion. Speak straight of what is in your mind. You do not need to tell the whole story about how you come to this decision. Make sure your message is well understood and that you did not mean to hurt your partner deeply. Focus on why it is not working for you instead of blaming your partner for his/her wrongs.

Avoid intimate physical contact. This breakup is to end the relationship, so stop yourself from touching your partner again, including holding hands. Intimate physical body contact may give your partner comforts, which makes it harder for him/her to let you go.

Respect your partner. It is pointless to argue or fight at this stage as this will hurt the feelings of both parties, or even cause greater pain for your partner. Be understanding, no matter how your partner reacts. Be calm and control your emotions.

Stick with your decision
It can be hard to leave someone, whom you loved so dearly for so long. There are so many things to consider before making this decision to breakup with your partner. No matter the reasons that bring you to this decision, you should consider avoiding a messy breakup. Here are some tips on sticking with your decision.

Stick With It
Plan your breakup. As always, prepare and plan it properly. Consider the time needed for the breakup. Fully understand what you are trying to say and make sure you choose the right words to say it as this will help to avoid your partner questioning you. Also, be prepared mentally and emotionally- you must understand there may be arguments. Remain calm when you speak of your mind.

Give a good explanation. Express your feelings in a proper way and explain what makes you feel that way. If you keep the real purpose of breaking up to yourself, your partner may misunderstand you and get upset for wrong reasons. Let your partner know that this is not a sudden decision and let him/her knows what leads you to make this decision.

Get support. This is a great way to distract you from wanting to get back to your partner. Get support from the socializing network you are involved in, your family, relatives and friends, or even people who share their experiences on heartbreaks and breakups. You may even get relationship experts or counsellors to help you stick with your decision.

Keep focus. You will feel the pain, grieve, sadness of breaking up, and you should not hide the negative feelings. These feelings make you doubt your decision sometimes. Therefore, you must understand that you had made the decision to break up, and that you should move on with life and let those feelings fade away.

Control your emotion
Breakup is an emotional thing, for you or to your partner. Even if you are the one who decides to break up, you may get upset too as you are about to leave the person who you spent time with for the better part of your life and most attached to. Controlling your emotions is crucial especially during the sensitive moments just after the breakup.

Emotions
Release your emotions moderately. Being frustrated does not mean you can indulge in unreasonable behaviour. Try to remain calm and find peace in yourself. Do not let the negative emotions get more intense and disallow you from seeing good things that is around you.

Get help to get rid of bad emotions. Get a counsellor, a therapist, or relationship experts to guide you out of it. You may also go online for forums or get into discussions to seek help. You may get ideas on how to handle your emotions with different opinions and experiences that others share.

Distract yourself with other stuff, your hobbies or interests. Indulge in things you love and enjoy. Get recipes and start cooking, cycling, mountain climbing, reading, etc. You may also uplift yourself spiritually, practice meditations or Yoga.

Stop reviewing the breakup. Stop reflecting on what you said during the breakup or how your partner reacted.  Stop thinking whether your words will harm your now ex-partner for life. Analysing it causes you unwanted stress, and hence, you will lose control with your emotions.

Learn to forgive. Forgive your now ex partner’s previous wrong doings and dark past. Forgiveness will set you free from the past, and allow you to feel much better and ready for your next relationship. Focus on moving on with your life. Constantly remind yourself of your plans for the future.

This is the best way to stay away from your now ex-partner – never keep in touch again. You will find it practical to prevent your ex-partner from contacting you, as it may make you start doubting your decision. These are the benefits of never staying in touch with your ex-partner again after the breakup:

Allow your ex-partner to heal completely from the heartbreak. Staying connected or keeping in touch with your ex-partner will prevent him/her from getting out of the pain, and makes the breakup more complicated and harder to accept.

Get back your own life. During a relationship, you tend to care for your partner more, and he/she is the centre of your daily life. Now since you are breaking free from your partner, you should spend time and energy on yourself and carry on with your lifestyle and your preferences in life.

Avoid rekindling the flame. Keeping in touch means you still care for him/her; you still think of him/her, and show signs that there is a chance to get back together. Therefore, it is easy for your ex-partner to approach you again for reconciliation.

Avoid indulging in low self-esteem. If you stay connected with your ex-partner after the breakup, you may lack the confidence to start a new relationship, because you think you wrongly put a stop to the wonderful previous relationship, and you feel bad for yourself. Hence, you develop low self-esteem and lose hope for a better relationship in the future.

Open yourself to a new relationship. Stop keeping in touch with your ex-partner and this will allow you to get rid of any remaining regrets, and get ready to find a better person who may be the right one for you.

Closing Thoughts
It is important to emphasize that this article is NOT promoting breakup or divorce, as the case may be. Partners are encouraged to amicably sort out their differences and have a better relationship.  But again, some relationships seem to be irredeemably bad that the “best’ thing to do is to walk away.

If your relationship is not working the way you want and you are considering walking out of it, pause and have a rethink. You can save that relationship.  

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