HOW TO HANDLE BREAKUP - Anthony's Library and Resources

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Friday, 27 February 2015


You may or may not know what went wrong that led to the breakup with your ex.  You would consider avoiding the same mistakes to ensure it does not happen again. When you are ready to move on with a new relationship, you would most probably hope this relationship works right.  

Be in the right relationship
Do not make assumptions. Do not always assume you already know what will happen next. You think you know what you really want, or what your partner need the most. You think you know your partner well. You assume you know what to do next, and how your partner will react. What if you do not actually know it well, which causes all subsequent misunderstandings?

Show love to your partner. Care for your partner at all times. Participate in your partner’s life events, activities, etc. Stay connected with your partner. Give a call or send love messages to your partner at work. Occasionally, you should also give surprises to amuse your partner.

Stay positive. To be in a right relationship, avoid engaging in negative emotions.  Do not allow negative feelings to take place, and do not think of the worst for the current situation both of you are facing. Try to be calm to overcome the stress faced in daily routines.

Keep an open heart.  After a breakup, you would probably feel hurt and no matter how you are trying to hide it away, it remains deep in your heart. For a new relationship, avoid any reference to the previous one. Do not let the previous relationship haunt you and your new partner. Besides, do not fear falling love again. Keeping an open heart will let you see clearly whether you are staying in a right relationship or the wrong one.

Having a common purpose
Having a common purpose for the relationship or in life is a great way to maintain the right relationship. Knowing the common purpose that both he  or her share will help to make sure if this is the right relationship. Therefore, one should consider the common purpose that both of them share before getting into a relationship.

Importance of Having a Common Purpose
You know what your relationship will lead to. By having a common purpose, you will know your directions in the relationship or in life. It is better that both partners are ready for a marriage, rather than only one is being passionate.

You can communicate with each other effectively. You know what your partner asks for, you know his or her needs, and perhaps, you can figure out how he or she thinks. With a common purpose, you will also be able to participate with your partner’s daily routines.This lessens misunderstandings and suspicious towards each other.

It is easier to express feelings to each other. You will understand his or her conditions well, what he or she is facing and going through currently. Thus, he or she will have trust in you and express their emotions and thoughts to you because you understand and care. You will also feel better and let down your guard to tell him or her your feelings when you are certain that he or her understands your situations.

You are able to work towards solutions together. If either partners have different thoughts about the relationship or everything they are going through, it will be hard to get things right. With a common purpose, you will know how to react to a problem faced and solve it. You will also be able to respect your partner’s way of fixing issues, as you know both of you have a common thinking.

Some relationships are temporary
Whether you are a high school student or an adult trying to find a new love and new life, you would want to have a good relationship, which is better than your previous one. Relationships are not all perfect where “’til death do us apart” occurs in reality; you must understand there are some relationships that are destined to be only temporary. Make sure you know what to do to maintain a long-term relationship.

How to Maintain a Long-Term Relationship
Think long term. Being in a relationship does not only involve you and your partner, but both your families and friends. Hence, you must also maintain a good relationship with people close to your partner, understand and know how to treat them well. This will prevent conflicts from happening if you and your partner are facing difficulties.

Forgive and forget. Forgive is the greatest love act of all. Try to forgive your partner for all the wrong doings he had done. Try to forget bad things happened yesterday or before and look forward for a better today or tomorrow. Also, do not blame your partner for everything.

Provide mutual support. Everyone needs support from his or her partner especially when staying in a relationship, whether it is physically, financially, emotionally or spiritually. Give trust and gain trust from your partner is essential to avoid having only a temporary relationship. Always listen to him/her and understands your partner’s needs.

Find a quick and effective resolution. Find an immediate way to fix issues and solve conflicts between you and your partner. It is advisable to solve today’s problems before going to sleep. Share your thoughts. If possible, discuss the matter and allow your partner to participate in solving the problems together. Also, be mature in handling the matter and think rationally before you act.

Listening to your gut or trusting your instincts always present the most truths about you and your partner. Listening to your gut is being honest with yourself. Especially when you fell something going wrong, your instincts tells you what to do and how to resolve the matter in the most natural way. Over thinking sometimes may show doubts in your statements or your actions, which leads to suspicions, distrust, and misunderstandings.

Do not deny your feelings. Preferring to solve problems in a particular way, may be because of the gut feeling. You find it suspicious that your partner comes home late every night, and so think that he or she might be cheating on you. Asking if you really want to get the answers to such a question and trusting the answers requires gut feeling. After some time if you are trying to hide the matter, you may find yourself doubting your partner and misunderstandings occur. Therefore, go with your gut to prevent all mishaps.

Avoid over thinking.  Do not think too much or analyse too much when you feel something is wrong. Over thinking may draw away your attention on the positive feelings, generating more negative feelings and emotions. Because of this, you may have to undergo unnecessary stress and this ruins your relationship.

Speak out. If you are concerned about something, stand up and say something about it. Speaking out there and then helps to lessen the rising doubts. Talk or discuss the matter with your partner.  Explain your feelings or reasons why you reacted the way you did.

Try to understand your gut feelings and express them in the right way. Listening to your guts and going with it is important, however, do express them in a way that you will not hurt your partner. Avoid over thinking, and consider if your reaction may or may not hurt your relationship, and most importantly, your partner’s feelings.

Don’t be possessive
Possessiveness is usually caused by the fear or doubts towards your partner that you have in your heart; it could also be due to your previous unsuccessful relationships. Being possessive over your partner will cause a burden to your partner, and there hence, causing harm to your relationship. Always respect yours and your partner personal boundaries. 

Here are some tips on how to avoid being a possessive partner:

Give your partner some space. Respect your partner’s personal space. There is a need to understand your partner’s daily routines, working life, etc, but not every little detail about it. Avoid asking too much and interfering with the way your partner handles his/her life. Arrange or schedule together time properly so that you can limit yourself from forcing him/her to connect with you too often.

Give your partner options. Give him or her a chance to make choices in daily routines. Do not decide for everything - understand that your partner may make different decisions too. Besides this, let him or her have a chance to carry out hobbies and interests. This would make your partner feel that you want the best for him or her.

Pamper yourself. Spend some time for yourself. Visit your family and friends, go shopping, or socialize by carrying out some sports activities with others; you may also praise yourself sometimes for what you have accomplished. By pampering yourself, you can avoid being too dependent on your partner, which may help you to be more confident and less possessive over your partner.

Work on establishing your individual identity. You would most probably be concerned and think for your partner most of the time. It is time to focus on your own true desires and interests, which you may have forgotten when you live with your partner. Carry out your interests and build your self-confidence up again.

Breakup makes you stronger
Breakup makes you stronger. Breakup gives you the experience on how you can and should handle love. A failed relationship may motivate you to search for a better partner or improve yourself to handle love better. The followings are some reasons why breakup makes you stronger.

You will have a clearer vision for your choices. You will be more serious in choosing a better partner. After a breakup, you will see clearly what you really want, and what to expect from your future partner. You will be more certain and stand for whatever you feel is right for your life, which makes you stronger and more confident.

You will be more aware of yourself. You will be more cautious with your actions. You will know what to do or what to avoid in the next relationship. You will also work it right, like improving yourself, which creates a better you.

You know you have gone through a painful relationship. Therefore, you will know how to deal with the stress and heartbreak if your new relationship fails again. This is especially if your previous relationship is your first love, after the breakup, you will get very upset about it, you will feel miserable, empty, hopeless, etc. nevertheless, when you are able to pick yourself up well and move on with another relationship, you will be a better person in the new relationship.

To recover from a previous failed relationship, you may distract yourself with other commitments, for instance, you may work harder than before, you would get counselling sessions, or you would be more focused on religion. These help build your self-confidence and make you stronger. Perhaps you will get better job offers, you will share your stories to help others who seek help in relationships, or you improve yourself spiritually, which helps you to maintain a healthy mental, emotional balance.

Reacting to breakup
Breakup means losing your partner, and it can be a terrible thing for you if you still have some moments when you cannot forget him or her. This is especially when you loved him or her so much before, you must consider good ways to react to the breakup, improve yourself, look for a new partner, or help others.

Get some space away from your ex. Tell him or her nicely that you are already out of this relationship and prefer him or her to leave you alone. Avoid accepting phone calls, text messages from your ex, or replying his or her emails. This helps you to clear your thoughts and being able to move on with your current partner.

Schedule some activities with your friends. This is a good way of keeping yourself busy and a good way to temporary keep negative emotions away. Hang out with your own friends. Spend more time with your current partner. Avoiding the ex and the mutual friends, if you find it hard not to think of your ex at that moment. Change your environment. Put on light, classical or jazz music at home and relax in it. These gives you a calming effect which also makes him or her, into a more sentimental person, allowing yourself to express your feelings, cry over it, but cease to think about it later. On the other hand, go travelling or relocate yourself in another place, it helps you in recovering

Do not over react towards this breakup. Do not do something stupid just because you are temporary upset. Do not do things that cause harm to yourself, or you current partner. Find ways to heal your heartbreak. Express your thoughts through writing or painting. Read articles. Read articles written by others’ who share their experiences could help. Read motivation books and get inspired. You may also write about your heartbreaks and share it online to help others.

Learning to let go and forgiving the mistakes made in the past is important to maintain a long-term, healthy and good relationship, especially when you experienced breakups in the previous relationship, and you intend to stay as long as possible with your current partner. These are some suggestions on letting go of the past, whether the issues are involving your current partner or your ex.

Think positive. When you feel stressed or depressed again, just let it go. Think of the good things from the previous relationship. Bear in mind, the previous breakup provides you with an experience and you can learn many lessons from it. Handle situations positively.

Be open with the breakup.  Do not isolate yourself, but speak out if you find it hard to handle it yourself. Do not hide your feelings away and keep the sorrows in yourself. Do not close yourself in your room all the time. Furthermore, you need to keep an open mind to recover faster; you have to move on.

Accept the fact that you lack control. When you face a breakup, you have to understand that you do not have control over your ex or the situation, even if you are trying to turn the situation around. Have positive conversations with your family and friends, especially your current partner. Avoid talking about the previous heartbreak and the loss of your ex. Talk about other things, or talk about the issues you are facing now and find ways to resolve them.

Focus on the future. Remember, life is short. Look ahead. Forget and forgive your ex and the previous relationship. Even if you and your ex remain as friends, do understand that the intimate roles in your ex’s life has ended. Focus on your role and responsibilities in your current partner’s life instead. Besides this, do forgive and let go of your current partner’s faults.

But in case you are still in a (troubled) relationship, this article and this article will help you steer the ship of your relationship successfully.

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